Mea Culpa?

An episode of Law & Order where young parents allowed their baby to starve to death had me bawling...I'm talking full out snot dribbling, chest heaving sobbing. There was one scene at the medical examiners where a baby's covered body was lying on the examination table, a small foot and hand protruding from beneath the covering and I just lost it. One of the cutest sights in the world is seeing your baby's little bare feet waving in the air. I remember waking up at 2 am, when K was on duty. I looked over, K was changing Pig's diaper. K was cooing, Pig was cooing back and I could see a pair of little dimpled feet kicking pertly in the air. So while watching this episode, I thought of this and found myself sobbing.

The parents in this episode were having trouble breastfeeding the child and as a result the baby slowly starved to death. They were told that breastmilk was the best for their child so they decided against feeding the child formula although they had several unopened cans in the house. This brought back bad memories of our week in the hospital after Pig was born...those days continue to haunt me and fill me with guilt.

Pig latched on readily. I started nursing her a few hours after she was born. I wanted to nurse her right away but I was shaking so badly from the effects of the drugs that I couldn't hold her. But after awhile I had her nursing. I breathed a sigh of relief. My baby was latching on, it would be smooth sailing from here on. Later that night, when the nurse trundled Pig's bassinet into our room and I looked forward to what I believed would be a nice nursing session. Pig latched on again happily and ate drowsily. She ate...and ate....and ate. I looked at the clock, wow, 40 minutes had elapsed and she was still latched on. Granted she would doze off for a few seconds here and there but if I gently stroked her head, the sucking would again commence. K called the nursery nurse and we were told that she was likely using me as a pacifier. So I stopped the feeding and we popped her back into her bassinet. A few hours later, she was crying. Ok, back onto the breast and another 40 minutes. And again and again. I started to wonder when Pig was going to get any sleep. Pig's crying sessions grew longer and longer and she started getting upset at the breast. She began crying and crying and crying. Exhausted we asked the nurse for a pacifier. Pig took to this in the beginning but then after awhile got frustrated and began crying again. The crying soon turned into frantic screaming and I started crying with her. K tried desperately to soothe her, using the Happiest Baby on the Block techniques. He swung her around like a trapeze artist, just enough to settle her down enough to try at the breast again. After a few sucks, she'd resume the crying. We started noticing that her mouth was getting very dry. The nurse told us that Pig was developing a slight fever and showing signs of dehydration. She asked if they could give Pig a bottle of formula. I hesitated. After all, we were told that breast was best and that a bottle could create nipple confusion. But then she told us that our pediatrician agreed that Pig could have a bottle. That's all I needed to hear. After 2 ounces, Pig passed out and slept.

Now, I can't believe I hesitated. My baby was screaming that she was hungry and here I was trying to come up with a way to keep her from getting what she wanted. Sure the colostrum should have been enough to keep her happy but it wasn't and instead of listening to my child's cues, I was thinking about what a bunch of strangers had to say about the matter. I was formula fed and turned out just fine, in fact I rarely got sick as a kid.

Obviously, from the previous posts about mastitis, I have continued feeding and expressing for Pig. I'm grateful that I'm able to do that for her and I do hope that she'll never have to have another bottle of formula. However, I know that if we have another child, I won't hesitate to ask for a supplement. I understand the whole push towards natural childbirthing and rearing. It makes sense, women have been doing it for thousands of years. My parents were surprised at how many books/articles are written about breastfeeding. My dad grew up in the Korean countryside and told me that women would just do it, carry the child around all day, let him or her feed at will. It should be that natural but often it's not, such that we need lactation consultants and doctors to deconstruct the process with charts and video how-tos. Such that every woman I've spoken to about the matter has told me that breastfeeding is more difficult than people would have you know. There's something unnatural about working so hard to make something seem natural. I understand the argument that if women believed the breast is their only choice they'd make it work like women in third world countries. But we don't live in a third world country and after several days of trying, my baby was still crying and I could not do what I'm supposed to do as a parent...feed her.