Je Suis Prest

I can't sleep. Woke up at 2 am as Pig is teething big time. Two upper molars and and a lower incisor have sprouted in the last few weeks so from time to time she'll wake up yelling for help. So after tossing and turning and then reading a few chapters of Under the Tuscan Sun for the umpteenth time (the food talk is soothing), I've given up and waddled downstairs to the welcoming glow of my laptop.

So one more day to get a little bit readier for Moo. I've given up on being entirely ready, it ain't gonna happen, I'm still working so that takes up my time during the day and also my list seems to get longer everyday. So c'est la vie.

I find that I'm a little afraid. Not the same kind of fear that I experienced before Pig's birth, actually that was more terror when I realized that I knew close to nothing about caring for a baby before we brought her home. (Side note: hospitals really shouldn't force you to watch those cheesy childcare videos before discharging you. First of all, they're outdated. The actors all have those big bushy 80s hairdos and everyone's grinning in a creepy way. Second, there's no way you can cram childcare 101 in the 30-45 minutes or so before you're discharged. I left feeling worse.) I'm not worried about the pain either. After 10 months or so of baby growing, a few days are nothing, it's like having a bandaid ripped off.

No, I think it's the fear of another change. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. I want to see the face of the little one who has been kicking my ass for close to a year. It's still inconceivable to me that this time next year I'll glance at my rear view mirror and see two little faces peering back at me and that our little family will be complete. But... what will this mean for my relationship with Pig? I keep telling myself that once Moo's born that I'll have the energy to run around with Pig as well as look after Moo. But then I remember the bleary-eyed early days after Pig was born. I have to admit that I'm also worried about some gnarly post-partum kicking in. I had a long bout of it after Pig arrived, found myself sobbing in the shower and then had awful and depressing thoughts throughout the day for months. That's actually a big reason why my parents are here again for a month and will be coming back in June. Having told K about that dark period, he thought it'd be a good idea to have alot of activity in the house to keep things upbeat.

Eh...so there's one insomniac's late night confession. Tomorrow I will give Pig and K a big hug and kiss assured that things are only going to get better. Off to bed again...next entry, the birth story, stay tuned.